For the past several weeks since the death of George Floyd, I’ve been trying to hold the space of compassion and empathy with hope and action. Time and time again, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how broad the range of responses have been to supporting #BlackLivesMatter, from both my personal and professional network, and how quickly our elected officials and institutions have enacted the necessary and long-overdue reform to increase police accountability towards black (and community) violence.

Businesses, big and small, have embraced the once-controversial and frowned-upon phrase — Black Lives Matter. Whether that support is long-lasting and will translate into tangible business goals that integrate diversity, equity, and inclusion into their hiring & retention practices, communication and sales strategies, and ultimately, their culture, has yet to be determined. One thing I do know, is that our public conversation about violence, exploitation, and discrimination has not extended to gender and women.

“The Talk.” For generations, black families have been having this talk to prepare their children — although the lessons are probably more deeply drilled into their sons than daughters — on how to navigate encounters with the police and emerge from their these encounters with their physical and mental safety and well-being intact. Yet, surprisingly, there is no institutionalized equivalent of a “talk” with our daughters (and sons) about the structural sexism and misogyny girls and women should expect to encounter throughout their lives. Here’s what I propose such a candid “talk” by fathers should include.

My dear daughter, because I want to prepare you for life as a woman, I want to share with you some important information about what to expect during the course of your life:

On Rape and Sexual Assault

Since the beginning of time, sexism and misogyny has existed. We can attribute this to the normalization by patriarchy of attitudes and behaviors about gender and sexuality. These include the belief that men are entitled to women’s bodies and that they can exert their power and control through the objectification and consumption of sexualized images of girls and women which is both the cause and result of #rapeculture.

Through my own consumption and complicity with rape culture (for example, when I watch and support prominent sports figures whose allegations of domestic abuse against their partners are ignored and minimized by their respective sports leagues), you will likely experience throughout your lifetime, many uncomfortable, possibly illegal acts of bias, sexual assault, violence, and/or discrimination. That’s why we couldn’t do much to stop the groping you experienced while commuting to middle and high school on the subway. That’s why your commute was peppered with men masturbating publicly and unaccounted for. Unlike during your mom’s childhood, you have the benefit of phones to capture these images, and maybe have a chance of reporting these offenders.

When you arrive on campus for your freshman year, you will be at the highest risk of rape than at any other time of your life. Because of weakened Title IX protections, if you are sexually assaulted, it is likely you won’t be believed, the school won’t investigate, and you will be forced to leave school.

If you are ever raped outside of college, it is likely you won’t be able to get any form of justice. The police will victim blame you, shame you, maybe force you to testify, threaten to arrest you if you don’t and, if you decide to proceed with a criminal trial, the chances your rapist will go to jail is less than 1%.

On Wage Discrimination & Poverty

If you’ve managed to graduate from college and get a job (given your 1 in 4 chances of being raped and the high cost of recovery we probably can’t afford), you will earn 77 cents to every dollar a man earns. (Black fathers will adjust this number for their daughters to 65 cents and Hispanic dads will say 57 cents.) If you’re lucky, forty years from now when you are ready to retire, you can expect to earn equal pay to a man. Thanks to the aggregate impact of the gender wage and wealth gap (amongst other things), you have between a 11–27% chance of living in poverty.

On Domestic Violence or Gender Terrorism

And, because of your economic instability, if you meet a man who hurts you, you will likely stay in the relationship and suffer. When you first realize you are not safe, Daddy or Mommy might not believe you, side with you, or will want you to stay in the relationship to retain any social status, wealth, or access to our grandkids. The police and courts will likely disbelieve you, pathologize your trauma, and retaliate against you for speaking out by giving custody to your abuser. The trauma of all of this may result in you looking to drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism for the abuse. If, at some point, the abuse becomes unbearable, and you strike your abuser in self-defense, you have an 80% chance of being locked up.

On Healthcare and Reproductive Rights

Whether or not you want to become a mother, society will judge you by your ability to have a child and raise one. No matter what you do, you will be viewed as a “bad mother” accused of “doing it wrong.” If and when you find yourself pregnant and not wanting or unable to take care of your child, terminating your pregnancy might not be possible, depending on the state you live in. Women’s right to choose and for bodily autonomy has been under attack in this country — often literally — for as long as I can remember, but especially so since Roe v. Wade.

Even when you are choosing to get pregnant and have a child, you may still be held criminally liable, convicted, and jailed for any negative outcome of your pregnancy including miscarriage, stillbirth, and birth. For example, if you slip and fall while pregnant, you can be arrested and prosecuted for fetal homicide. Your partner may not hit you, but instead abandon you and take all your money. If this happens and you find yourself pregnant, you may become so despondent, you attempt suicide. Again, depending on where you live, our sexist state might use that act to further victimize you with a criminal arrest for murder and attempted feticide.

President Obama’s Affordable Care Act made some improvements to address some of the gender bias and discrimination in healthcare but, as you know, Trump and his administration has been trying to dismantle this law for the past three and a half years. So, you may or may not get the proper medical care when you seek it and the medical profession’s response to your miscarriage, pregnancy, and/or labor might further endanger your life.

Of course, any of the above experiences I’ve described can also trigger and/or exacerbate any of the other experiences I predict you will have. I know, it’s a vicious cycle, but this is the world we live in.

A Proposal for an Alternative “Talk”

I know most dads won’t likely have the above talk with their daughters. Why? It makes them culpable for their likely inaction and complicity with patriarchy as they grapple with if, how, and to what extent they are willing to acknowledge and use their male privilege for social good and transformation, instead of continue to benefit from their privilege.

Another problem fathers have when they have this “talk” with their daughters is that it exposes their sons as potential beneficiaries of our sexist systems and culture. Until men and fathers confront their own gender bias and sexist views and behavior, whether explicit, covert, benevolent, whatever — as much as they are express or perform anti-racism with their repeated and continuous streams of public posts sharing BLM resources, books, ideas, opportunities to share and learn — we will not see change.

So, what is the alternative? I propose radical feminism for all. Unless you’re familiar with the tenets of radical feminism, your view of feminists might be colored by the decades long disinformation campaign by right-wing media to cast women asking for and demanding equal rights and freedom as deviant, dangerous, and to be feared and silenced.

To address societal’s structurally invisible and ubiquitous sexism and misogyny, men and fathers must commit to acknowledge their own part in upholding these structures. They must discard their stereotypes about feminism as they may have in order to address their own and systemic racism. Angela Davis famously shared that “In a racist society, it is not enough to be non-racist, we must be antiracist.” Similarly, I believe:

In a sexist society, it’s not enough to be anti-sexist, we must be pro-feminist.

Being “anti-sexist” just covers the “protective” aspects of feminism by addressing what women should be free from — sexist exploitation, violence, and oppression. Being “pro-feminist” addresses the “constructive” aspects of feminism — striving for equality, whole-humanness, agency, interindepedence, and generativity — not just for women, but for all people. (If you want a deeper dive into these concepts, I highly recommend you read CV Harquail’s book, “Feminism: A Key Idea for Business and Society.” This book needs to be as as widely read and shared as the current list of anti-racism books currently on the NYT Bestseller’s List!)

This past April, the United Nations declared violence against women and girls the “shadow pandemic.” Rates of domestic violence were increasing between 25–33% in reporting countries. Sexism and misogyny is the “gateway” set of beliefs and mindsets that often lead down a path of further crimes. Men can check their sexism with these tactics: acknowledge it, learn about its manifestations in society, listen to women, read women’s stories and feminist texts, share and hopefully, eventually grow and transform. And, repeat. Protest just as long and hard to ratify the Equal Righs Amendment, as you are doing now to liberate our society from racism and racist oppression and violence.

While this piece is mostly directed towards fathers, mothers have a stake in this as well, starting with addressing their own internalized sexism and the role they play in receiving sexist messages and ideology, internalizing them, and passing it on to their children. Women need to abandon the “liberal feminism” that has convinced them that their own individual actions and choices can generate equality for all. It’s a story white liberal feminists have been telling themselves for decades as they climb on the backs of women of color and leave them behind. That’s why 2018 was such an awakening for women as they watched the Kavanaugh hearings unfold and began to realize that they had spent decades ignoring that women’s rights and freedom had not been won, and that patriarchy was still running the house. Here’s a great piece that parents can read and think about to help our boys use their male privilege for good.

So this Father’s Day, if you’re a dad and not going to pledge to be a pro-feminist ally and teach your daughter to be one, do them a favor, and have the above “talk” with your daughters. Our daughters do need to know and see how society views and treat women, starting with the most important man in their lives. But remember: You don’t have to be a father to treat women with respect. Although, it’s a very good place to start.

Note: This piece is heterosexist in its assumptions about the daughter’s sexual orientation to make a point, but many of the issues the father addresses still applies regardless.